I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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