Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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