Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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