god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
