so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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