My vagina just recognized that song.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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