Nicole vs. Life
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
