I wanna bring you to show and tell
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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