Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
