So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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