Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
