Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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