I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
