I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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