When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize