y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
