I wish I only lived at night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
