So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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