Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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