When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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