i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
