Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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