hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
