I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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