I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
