sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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