my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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