His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
