They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
