her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
