saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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