I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
