i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
