atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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