I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
