are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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