NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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