sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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