Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I love you. Go after that dick
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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