Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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