Don't make out with my wife yet
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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