well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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