her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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