Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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