Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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