just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
