never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
