she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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