from now on my penis is your penis
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
