they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
