Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
