I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
