I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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