I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
