We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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