Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize