So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
