My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
