Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
